Becoming Me

I looked into the mirror as I stepped into the apartment. I see a really beautiful woman. The kind of woman that I always wanted to look like: my brows are done, got lovely makeup on, great hair 🙂

I am feeling so thankful for everything. I am beginning to feel better consistently with the help of medication that I resisted all my life. Its a beautiful day out! 🙂 I am feeling warm about the beautiful blue skies and the view of the lovely apartment. My sister got the microphone and accessories that I wanted for a while to do audio work.  Got lovely flowers by the corner table, basking the warm light of the lamp. I am sitting on the L-shape sofa that I wanted since I moved into this apartment. Oh I have a super comfy bed that I fit it! Just last night I got heating blankets!

I am just thankful!! And I am Pre-MSing! Haha. This has got to be a miracle in itself 🙂 Thank you my loving Higher Power! Thank you God!

I do remember there were days that even when blue skies will not cheer me up. Around PMS is the worst of my depression. Was always struggling for the meaning of life and barely hanging on and reminding myself that if I kill myself, my loving mother would be crushed. She was always the reason that prevented to go any further.

Nowadays, I am learning to be my own loving parent. I am learning to love me.

I finally broke up with the married man. Sure he is getting a divorce now, but he is not emotionally available. I am going on two dates this week. Its partially to distract myself, and also to see who kind of people are out there.

To be honest, I am the heaviest as I have ever been. Yet, I am still feeling confident enough to go on these dates. Sure I am a little unsure if they will find me attractive, but I am reminding myself that I am beautiful and most importantly feel out on the date if I like them, not if they like me.

Do I like how they are behaving? Do I like how they look? Do I like how the conversation is going? Do I like how they are treating me? This is how I am learning to center myself. It’s not easy 🙂 I am growing from a lot of codependent tendencies. I am practicing being center and listening to my inner voice.

I am starting to pay attention to what I like and what I don’t like. What feels true and ok and what doesn’t. I am also very thankful that my HP is with me and do for me what I can’t do for myself. There were a couple instances last week that I was about to make some questionable choices. My HP just took it away. Thank you!!

Overall, I am just so thankful that my HP is in my life and guiding me every step of the way. Thank you!